Now that we’ve learned how to look at “behaviors” differently, lets talk about different actions we can take – in particular, responding instead of reacting. As a caregiver, we won’t be able to reflect upon what we are seeing from the child if we are in a reactive state. Evolution has taught us to react first and that is okay, but we must pause and notice that we are reacting so we can shift to responding. Our response will require us to be emotionally available, or as the Circle of Security calls it, “BEING WITH”. Teaching young children emotional intelligence is as simple as being with them in all their emotions. But why is this so hard??? As adults our own experiences can often impact how we respond to certain emotions the child is experiencing. Our past experiences and own upbringing may cause us to pull away from the child instead of being with them in their emotion. All this mental and emotional clutter surrounding our inability to truly be with the child, is called shark music. Shark music can create a disruption in the relationship between the child and caregiver. It is often the case that the behaviors or displays of emotions that most challenge a caregiver are those which the caregiver themselves were never allowed to feel or express, thus making it difficult to be with and support the child. It is so important for a caregiver to be curious about their own reaction so they can reflect and then respond. When a caregiver can be with a child through any and all emotions, the child will build trust within themselves and the world around them; they will learn that they are capable of experiencing all emotions and also moving on from difficult ones.

“Meeting a child’s aggression with adult aggression only adds fuel to the fire. To extinguish aggressive behavior meet it with calmness and compassion. Being calm isn’t passive – it’s mature. Be it to teach it.” – Rebecca Eanes

Resources | References

• NJ Children’s System of Care
• Montclair State University Center for Autism and Early Childhood Mental Health
• KEEPING BABIES & CHILDREN IN MIND Professional Formation Series in Infant & Early Childhood
• The Circle of Security